The worst of the worst.

The crème de la crème.

The beginning.


It started with Ryan. He was my first.

It’s one of those seriously pathetic loosing virginity stories. Those really, really sad ones that you should tell your daughters to stop them from sleeping around. I was in ‘the’ group at my school. I went to an all girls private catholic school. We never saw boys except on the way to and from school and we were obsessed with them. They were just so different, they smelled different and they swore and they called each other names, like c**t and faggot and shit head.

The girls I was friends with were really beautiful, like stunning. They were tall and blonde and rich. I was short and brunette and not so rich. We all lived near the beach in big houses, we all dressed the same and used to steal bottles of our parents top shelf liquor or twenty year old wine, we didn’t care it all tasted the same to us. We normally partied when some girls family went to Europe or if the boys were hanging at the beach we’d meet them there and get shit faced staying at some girls house who’s parents didn’t care what time we got home.

We were all sixteen and Anna’s parents were in Zurich so everyone was at her place on a Saturday night. I met Ryan sitting outside on the patio with his mates smoking a joint. I instantly thought he was the coolest thing in the world and hung off his every word. We made out like it was going out of fashion.

When you’re sixteen and part of that group at your school, with the best looking girls who get invited to all the parties and have the most money and the best clothes, it can be a surprise when a boy likes you. We all had the same weird insecurities that boys would like one of the girls we were friends more than ourselves with because they were thinner/prettier/bigger boobs, but Ryan liked me, and that night it was a victory in itself. As I grew up I leaned that even the ‘prettiest’ girl thought someone was prettier than her and being a teenage girl is just fucking hard. You don’t like yourself, like ever.

The next weekend, some guy from one of the boys private schools was having a party, Ryan was a year older but he was there and I was over the moon. He took me around the party and introduced me to all his school friends as his girlfriend. When you’re a girl and you’re young and someone wants to be your boyfriend, it is the utmost best feeling in the world.

He took me up to one of the many bedrooms at the party and we were making out, he went for the button on my jeans a few times and I kept stopping him until he got frustrated saying ‘I thought you wanted to be my girlfriend?’ I was so worried he wouldn’t like me any more that after twenty minutes of him persuading me telling me that’s what girlfriends did for their boyfriends and assuring me how good it would feel I let him.

All I remember is a lot of stinging pain, not unbearable but a bit cringe worthy. I remember him watching my face really intently and I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to close my eyes or keep looking into his as he grunted on top of me. I remember wondering if I had my legs open wide enough, if I looked like I was enjoying it enough, If I would bleed on this random guys guest bedroom sheets. He didn’t really kiss me a lot during, unlike all the films I had watched he didn’t kiss me and tell me how much I meant to him, he just kept grunting and pushing and then he got faster and then it was over.

He stood up pretty much instantly, pulling his jeans on and shoving his underwear in his back pocket. I wasn’t really sure what to say after it. I couldn’t think of anything romantic of witty so I was waiting for him to speak. He walked out of the room while simultaneously putting his shirt on and tucking his underwear in his back pocked.

I sat in the bed for a little while waiting for him to come back. I saw a movie once where the guy brought the girl a drink of water afterwards so I was sure, so sure that he was getting me a drink.

Obviously he was really considerate & trying to re-hydrate me.

After what seemed like lifetime I got dressed. I came out of the room and saw him smoking out on the balcony with his friends. I walked out to him and looked at him and said ‘Ryan?’ It wasn’t really a question but he looked at me confused and raised an eyebrow. ‘Do I know you?’ He said and all of his friends laughed. All the boys he had introduced me to as his girlfriend.

it was part of his game, apparently he did it at every party. He hadn’t really been introducing me as his girlfriend, but the girl he was going to screw. And the boys knew it.

I stood there kind of in shock I guess, not moving or saying anything. He made a sort of flicking gesture with his hands ‘Run along’ He laughed. They all laughed and so I ran along.

I remember calling my dad begging him to pick me up sitting in a gutter, sore and sobbing. I cried the whole way home, he kept asking me what was wrong but I didn’t know what to say. “Oh dad it was horrible, I fucked some guy in a bedroom and now he’s pretending he doesn’t know me” was not ideal.

By Monday morning at school I was a hero, Ryan had told everyone at the party and the girls were in awe and envious. I was the first in our group and that’s how I (unconventionally) became a legend.


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