The dream guy. Literally so so handsome I could vomit.
Being around this guy made me feel cooler. That’s actually the biggest red flag ever. He made me feel so cool that I thought maybe without him I wouldn’t be cool at all.
And seriously, fuck that, because I am cool.
Sam and I went on a bunch of dates, always to the best places that I had never heard of. I actually met him in the weirdest way, he worked with film, loading it on steel reels and then projecting it. I met him at a little film festival in a park for a friends short film, it was sponsored by TAC, so it was actually the saddest film festival in the world. As every single film was about preventing drink driving, so pretty much all the clips had teenagers dying in senseless tragedy.
He made his own films too, but he worked in all different kinds of ‘photographic and moving image media’ as he would say in the coolest huskiest loveliest way.
Our first date was at a cinema he worked at, it was a huge commercial cinema complex and way playing all the best kind of rom-coms that I’m secretly in love with. He took me up a lift and then windy old stairways to the projection rooms in the roof of the complex. We watched one of his films projected onto a white wall, while sitting on old red velvet cinema chairs that had been stored in the attic awaiting repair.
He had cheese & wine & we made out in-between me gushing with compliments about his amazing work, and in-between him loading reels for all of the paying customers in the cinemas below.
It was honestly such a secret adventurous date, hiding up there looking down on all of the patrons in the dark through the tiny projection windows, that I was very, very turned on.
We had sex on top of the broken old chairs, very magically as we were half blocking the projection on the wall, so we were naked and kind of bathed in the weird lights of his film.
I honestly thought it was the coolest & edgiest I had ever been.I mean seriously, screwing in a projection room, with a film maker that wears his hair in a bun & smells like smoke & cologne? Come on, I was winning at this creative freedom thing.
About two weeks later, and like 12 avant-garde films, nothing like my secret favourite rom-coms and often difficult to decipher, we were sitting at a bar overlooking the busy city streets. And we was wearing fingerless gloves and holding my hand and telling me how beautiful I was. I was like shit, this is it, this is where he tells me he really likes me and I’m going to be the cool girl officially dating the cool guy.
Fuck off. I know, I know. How ridiculous. I was just seriously dazzled by the bent paperbacks in his jeans pockets, and the head phones constantly around his neck playing pod casts and bands I’d never heard of, and the scuffed trainers, and the stubbly face, and the way he told me I was beautiful, and when he looked at me like I was something he wanted to capture on film.
So this is where he says, legit word for word.
“You’re so fucking beautiful Ivy, like everything about you makes me want to screw you all day and all night & never eat or sleep or work” I’m dying. Breath gone.
“I can’t wait for Katherine to get back, you’re actually going to love her.. And fuck, she will love you” And so now I’m like oh hang on, my helium is slightly deflating, I’m drifting back down into my bar stool, who the fuck is Katherine.
So I said, very bloody originally “Who’s Katherine?” and he says;
“Katherine, I’m sure I told you about Katherine? Katherine’s in Nepal right now, we’re together in a deeply spiritual way, our openness is something that really suits our lifestyle. It led me to you” He’s kissing my wrists and I’m trying not to get distracted. I’m still really quiet. So cool guy Sam keeps going, punching the helium right outta me.
“She mainly experiments with other women and I love her for her bisexuality, I think it adds to the strength of our bond. Sometimes we share and sometimes we keep people and deep connections for ourselves” and he’s winking at me. No joke. He winked. “I’d like you to be just mine, and I know Katherine will be so accepting, because she’ll see our chemistry.”
So I’m getting off the stool and I’m putting my coat on and he’s getting up because he think’s we’re leaving together and then we’re kissing and his hands are up my shirt and I’m thinking about how before we went for dinner we had sex on my couch and how much I want to have sex on my couch with this cool guy again. This fucking awesome cool film guy.
And then somehow. I’m in an uber. I’m in an uber alone.
Because I can’t fit Katherine into my life. And Sam thinks I’m obviously not emotionally mature enough to understand an adult relationship like his. And he’s very disappointed that I wasn’t willing to expand my horizons because “we could’ve been great”.
So I’m devastated and the uber driver is offering me mints and bottled water and I’m so pissy that I say no, when I actually want water and now I’m going to get a bad rating because I’m being a child. So I fucking tell me uber driver the whole damn story. We’re parked out the font of my apartment and I’m telling him about cool guy Sam and the Katherine, and my emotional immaturity, and how I should probably give up my ideals of a conventional relationship because it doesn’t exist, and how I need to conform or get left behind, and how I’m going to die alone because I didn’t have a threesome with cool guy Sam and his Katherine.
Obvs. I’m a weeny bit drunk & sad because my uber driver is like. “He is a bad man, you’re a good girl. Ask God & he will help to guide you away from men like that.” I realise I have seriously been projecting onto the wrong audience as he mentions something about my sins and how I will be forgiven as I get out.
Three days later I got in another uber & this driver told me that I got a very rare 5 star rating from my last driver, so he came to get me because he knew I would be a good passenger.
You win some, you loose some.