I once had a boyfriend when I was around 14 called Joe.

He was goofy, fun goofball Joe. He used to tickle me and throw me over his shoulder and my stomach was always in stitches when we were together.

He was just great value. Always the centre of attention and such a comedian. I don’t know what he’s doing these days, but I hope it’s something to do with the arts. He was gold.

This is in the mid 2000’s so he used to wear obscure band tee-shirts and had a walled with a chain attached to his jeans. WhatABabe. But that’s really no reflection on his personal style. I think I was into fisherman pants and peasant skirts. What the fuck society.

Joe was cool, I felt kind of lucky to be his girlfriend. He wasn’t into having sex, and I was super virginal at this stage. In fact prudish. Like I used to giggle and say he was tickling me when he tried to touch my boobs because it was shit scared.

Anyways, we made out all the time. On all the couches and beds we could find. And on the sand at the beach, grass at the park, any kind of surface we could just kind of lay on forever and grind & make out.

Joe had this weird thing though. He always wanted to make out in front of my parents. I remember the first time he did it; he kind of just latched onto my face and pushed me up against a kitchen counter in front of my mum. I swear my mum just kind of put everything down and walked out in a shocked trance.

He thought it was cool.

One day when my dad came home from work he started making out with me in the hallway so my dad could see and he kept his eyes open watching for my dad’s reaction.

Dad was also very uncool; he kind of backed out of the front door and closed it behind himself. I don’t know if he kind of just stood in the front garden for a while but he didn’t come back into the house for a bit.

He was the one who told me about the ‘danger wank’. When a boy starts wanking, calls out to his mum and has to finish before she walks in, hence the danger of getting caught.

By the time we got to the lets explore each other bodies but we have no idea what we’re doing because we’re still children stage, he was all about doing it in public. Like trying to get his hands up my skirt in the movies, or wanting me to touch him under his bathers at the pool. He seriously got a thrill out of it. He’d wait with bated breath to see if we got caught, starring at people floating past us, totally oblivious.

My poor prudish heart couldn’t handle it.

Sometimes I think about weird voyeuristic Joe.

He’s probably married to some babe and they have sex in public places. Or maybe she watches him touch himself? Who knows? All I know is that he was a little dirty fetish 14 year old. But boy, did he make me laugh.


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